Warning: this is all fresh on my mind, so it’s probably not all that coherent.
so lately i’d been feeling that my mood/sanity/emotions were subject to 2 main things: (1) my health, and (2) school. though i take pride in my motto “just pass,” i’ve realized that law school is nothing like my senior year and that i do kinda care a lot. though i don’t care to get that A++, i am afraid of failing out of law school. i had no idea that this fear was in fact my pride till our pastor preached today on Daniel 4. geoff explained that what was terrible about king nebbie’s (yeah i called him nebbie) state wasn’t his physical and mental beast like state, but the cancer of pride in his heart.
now initially, being the prideful person that i am, i wrote that part off cuz pride just isn’t an issue for me (right?). after all it’s not like i blog about how much i read or how much (or little) i’ve outlined, or how much i’ve talked about Jesus. but then geoff went on to explain that some of the symptoms of pride are anxiety and fear. sounded like geoff was trying to describe me as of late. it was then that God revealed to me the true nature of my arrogant self. my desperate prayers and questions for the last few weeks of why i’m so often unhappy in law school, why i don’t care as much to engage with the people around me, why my quiet times seem to be so empty, why i get sad, why i’m sick all the time – all these whys and pleas for God to fix things were answered. the resolution wasn’t for God to change my circumstances, rather God showed me that my pride, my self induced cancer, was what was robbing me of joy, peace and really just life.
and then geoff dropped the bomb: “there’s nothing you can do about this.” dang it.
he explained that only God can make this right. the pride, that has for the last few months robbed me of living in the blessings of Christ, is only curable by Christ. the way is to surrender, not just my decisions or my habits, but knowingly surrendering this sin of pride so that God can heal me. geoff encouraged me afterwards after i tried to pry out of him something of a ‘to-do’ for me in all of this. and his response was that i pray, pray that God would show me the full extent of what my pride was doing.
even though it seems like a sad, scary thing that i have this new found issue to deal with, i’m so relieved that God has shown me why i’ve been at the mercy of my circumstances. last sunday I prayed that God would show me that His hope is real. Today He has shown me that His hope is real, by showing me my need for His hope and the truth that times of refreshing do come with repentance. my pride isn’t going to disappear after today, i guarantee that you will still hear me say and do things with pride. (who knows maybe blogging is proof of that). Still, God is good and He is full of a forgiveness that not only forgives but transforms the broken, and makes all things new.
“Behold, I am insignificant;
what can I reply to You?
I lay my hand on my mouth.”